I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
