I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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