I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
