Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i wish my penis had a tongue
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
