I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
