my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
