He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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