Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
