so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
