there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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