My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
