wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
