checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I made him laugh his dick is mine
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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