If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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