your thong is hanging out like whoa
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
