i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize