Yo dont text me then not text me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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