Umm I'm too high to move.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
