If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
