I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
