i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize