Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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