I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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