I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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