I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
