Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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