Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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