apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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