he told me I talked like a deaf person
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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