someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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