A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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