my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
