why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
