I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
