like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize