I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize