she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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