She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
