Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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