Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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