he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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