did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
