i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
