Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
