Your face is a jimmy john
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
