it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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