Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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