Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
