I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
