I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
They have beer where we have blood.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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