Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
