I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
