then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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