I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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